I’d spent the last several weeks of class sending signals to a guy hoping he would realize I was interested. The first signal was when I baked chocolate raspberry cookies and left them on his desk before class. They were my grandma’s prize-winning recipe that took three hours to make. We were in the same room, which meant I got to watch his reaction when he found them. I sat up straight in my chair, proud of my surprise gift, but then slouched when he gave no reaction at all. I was expecting for him to at least take a peak inside and smile a little. But all he did was stare at the box for a moment before pushing it off to the side of his desk where it sat for the entire class. I was even more shocked when, after class was over, I saw him throw the entire box into the trash! Three entire hours of my life wasted! For nothing! I was beyond peeved. That night I laid in my twin sized bed with my pink paisley comforter pulled up to my chin and considered why he would do something so hurtful. Then it dawned on me as to why he would throw the box of cookies away, he didn’t know who had sent them! Silly me, I had forgotten to add my name! He was probably just being safe, and I couldn’t fault him for that. I slept well that night knowing that it was just a minor mistake on my part, and if he were that cautious with his own health, imagine how protective he would be of me.

My second attempt was when I showed up at the school twenty minutes early and waited outside just behind the bushes next to the steps that led up to the door he always used to get to class. I watched as he pulled up in his cherry red 1965 Mustang, parked, then walked up the steps and into the building. He passed right by me without noticing that I was hiding and watching him. When the coast was clear, I ran to his car and taped a small florist sized pink envelope to his windshield. Inside the envelope contained a romantic quote by Shakespeare written on a white sheet of paper: 

“Hear my soul speak. Of the very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly at your service.” – A. C.

I must have worn a divot in my seat that day from squirming around so much. I couldn’t even remember what the lesson was about. My mind was focused solely on the note I’d left, all I could do was wonder what his reaction would be when he realized I had feelings for him too. My giddy bubble of excitement that had been building for the two hours class lasted was quickly burst when I followed him out of the building and hid behind the trash can and watched as he found the envelope. He snatched it from his window, opened it, and looked at it for a moment before quickly balling it up and tossing it into the grass behind his car. His expressionless face scanned the parking lot before he got into his car and left. I was bummed, and hurt, and I felt defeated, but the hurt and defeat didn’t last for long. I decided it was just another mishap because he obviously did not know it was me again. A. C. could be someone else’s initials. After that second incident, I decided initials weren’t going to be enough. I would need to be more obvious so he would know it was me.

My third attempt was seven days later. There were three weeks left until the end of the semester and I knew he usually stopped for coffee and a bagel at The Mill café on his way to work each day. The entire last week I had spent concocting a plan to ‘accidentally’ bump into him at the cafe’. I was confident that my new plan would work because I had gone over it a million times in my head. That morning I got there a little early and had set myself up by the coffee cup display near the back corner of the café where the baristas was making drinks while the customers browsed the display with the café’s unique coffee cups as they waited for their orders. I picked up a cream and brown colored cup that looked like the bottom half had been dipped in coffee, the words “Latte Babe” were printed on it in a fancy silver font. I would have bought it if I wasn’t there on business. The nutty aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled the café and I inhaled deeply relaxing as it gave me the extra zing I needed to chase away the last of the butterflies in my stomach. At six-fifty-a.m. the bell over the door jingled. Right on the time, in walked the man of my dreams. My excitement rose as I watched him enter the building. He strutted in his fitted dark denim jeans to the counter where he ordered his usual, then headed to one of the tables midway between the counter and the door and sat down. He seemed to like being in the middle of the morning bustle. I wasn’t much of a morning person myself, but whatever. I could learn to like it later. I rushed to the counter and copied his order of hazelnut coffee and a bagel for myself, adding extra cream to my bagel because, why not? It only took about three minutes for my order to be made, then I grabbed it off the counter and thanked the barista leaving him a five as a tip, then I headed towards my dream man who sat sipping coffee and reading a paper at his table. On my way to the table, I noticed his long legs were sticking out into the aisle. I figured this was the perfect opportunity to make my move… As I look back on it now, I realize my next move was probably the most ridiculous move I could have made at the time. It was meant to be one of those ‘meet-cute” moments like in the movies where the girl bumps into guy, the girl falls into the guy’s lap, then the guy catches her and wraps her in his arms and they both laugh, then share breakfast together and fall madly in love, then live happily-ever-after with two kids, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence. If only it happened that way in real life… 

On my way to his table, my left foot somehow got stuck behind my right and I tumbled forward. My hot coffee flew out of my hand and onto a lady’s leg at another table and I cringed as she yelped. I couldn’t stop myself from falling forward and landing flat on the floor. I landed awkwardly, with my right hand smooshed against my face and my left hand twisted at my side in an unattractive position. As any gentleman would, he sprang to action and quickly helped me to my feet. He then handed me a napkin from his table and asked if I was okay. Physically, I was, but mentally, I could have been better. My pride was as flat as my bagel was against my chest and I immediately regretted the extra cream cheese I’d asked for because it was now smooshed against my once heather grey V-neck blouse leaving left my breast looking like a miniature frosted cupcake. I glanced up at him through my lashes and blushed when I noticed him staring at it. Then I decided to use the opportunity to make my next dumbest move ever. I took the napkin he’d just given me and rubbed it slowly over my chest and my hardening nipple. Blocking out the crowd, I pictured myself giving him a seductive dance with my body and I mimicked what I saw in my head. It was a special show for just the two of us and I was hoping it would completely mesmerize him. But no, it ended up being yet another one of my famous great movie imitations gone wrong. I truly should have known better by then. Would I ever learn that things never go as I plan? As I swayed my hips and circled my nipple with the napkin, I glanced up and noticed his eyes were narrowed on the movements of my fingers. But he did not appear turned on at that moment. I must have shrunk ten inches as I realized what a fool I must look like. My cheeks felt like fire and probably glowed like Rudolf’s nose. I bit my lip trying not to cry. I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore, so I stared down at my feet hoping my poor ego would recover from this massive blow. He mumble something about being sorry for messing up my outfit and I looked back up at him. He had another strange look on his face and an emotion passed behind his eyes, but I couldn’t tell what it meant. Suddenly he nodded, threw my empty cup he’d picked up on the table, then he rushed out of the café. I was left standing there in the middle of the café all alone with my shirt full of cheese and my mouth hanging open like a fish. All I could do was watch as the glass door of the café shut behind him and he got in his car, then zoomed off down the road. He even blew through the red light at the intersection as he left. 

I looked around me and noticed that people were staring and I was mortified, so I threw my napkin in the trashcan and left the café as fast as I could. After that embarrassing incident, I decided to skip class because there was no way I could face him again that day. So I went back to my dorm and indulged myself in a huge bowl of strawberry cheesecake ice cream.

A week went by, and I did nothing but sulk in my dorm room. I even skipped out on a party my roommate had invited me to. All I did was sleep and cry and read some in my romance novel, which only made me feel worse. Why couldn’t I be as bold as the heroine in my book was? Then maybe I wouldn’t be playing games with the man of my dreams, and we would be together already. After the week was over, I’d finally recovered from my embarrassment and had realized that throwing hints at a man was just plain childish. I wasn’t a child, I was a woman, and I needed to be more direct with my actions. It was just like my mother always told me, “If you want something, you better pull up your big girl britches and go get it, otherwise someone else will”. So, on the last day of class, I woke up extra early in order to primp myself to the fullest. It took me a total of two full hours from start to finish but by the time I was done my eyebrows were freshly plucked, my eyeliner had perfect wings which gave my eyes that sexy ‘cat eye’ look that most men adored, and my cotton-candy button-up blouse that was almost see-through went smashingly with my white curve-hugging pants and pink slip-on sandals that were held on by a ribbon wrapped around my ankle. The white pants were my favorite because they made my narrow hips look more substantial, which I loved because my mother may have passed her shiny raven hair and porcelain skin on to me, but my body was as bony as a prepubescent boy’s. I could use all the help I could get in the curve department. I painted my toenails to match my shoes, they were a metallic rose color that shimmered in the light when I walked. I then slid on a toe ring once my nails were dry and stood and looked at myself in the mirror. Perfection! I smiled at myself and felt excitement bubbling within me. I was full of confidence because today would be a new beginning for me. I couldn’t wait for it! I grabbed my bag, then locked my dorm room and headed out.

The sun seemed extra bright as I walked to school. There was not a single cloud in the sky. I took that as a sign of good luck. Standing on the sidewalk I glanced up the hill towards the school building. Sure, I was excited and confident, but the closer I got, the more my nerves were slowly creeping in. My life could be changed forever after today, once the man of my dreams and I made it official. Other students bumped into me as they walked by with their faces glued to their phones. Every now and then one would apologize, but most were too absorbed in their technology to notice what was happening around them. They were like robots walking to class, which was something I, too, should be doing as well, I realized. I took a deep breath in and released it, then headed uphill.

The room that my class was in was a decent sized room, it had stacked stadium seating with four sections with aisles dividing them. They all faced a wall of blackboards at the front of the room. I sat in the front row in the center in my normal spot and all throughout class I watched the clock like a hawk. I was waiting for the short hand to hit ten so class would be over. Once it did, all the students fled the room excited to be done for the summer. The commotion was over almost as fast as it had started, then I was in there all alone… with him. I chewed my bottom lip while I took my time putting my books into my bag. I needed to gather my courage that had slowly seeped out of me as I’d watched the time ticking away. When I was finally done filling my bag, I threw it over my shoulder and slowly approached the front of the room where his desk was located about twenty feet away. My stomach was in knots. He was such a beautiful man. Even hunched over his papers like he was completely oblivious to the world, he was still a magnificent image. His wavy brown hair hung down in his face and he reached up and tucked it behind his ear. It was thick and had layers of dimension that changed colors when he would move. He hadn’t shaved that morning and the dark scruff that ran along his strong jawline only added to his manliness. At some point during class, he must have rolled up his sleeves because his muscular forearms were currently on display. He’d also unbuttoned the top of his white shirt which allowed the hints of a tanned chest to peek through. I stopped and stood in front of him and just watched the man before me who was obviously caught up in his work. He chewed one of his fingernails and furrowed his brows in deep concentration. He was unaware I was there, so I took the chance to study him and briefly wondered if maybe I was making a mistake. Maybe I should just turn and walk out the door? No! This wasn’t a mistake. You’ve got this Ashley, I encouraged myself then finally made my move. 

“Excuse me, Professor Mike?”, I asked nervously.

 “Yes.” He answered leaning back and looking around my body towards the door behind me like he was expecting someone to come in.

 He finally looked at me but only for a second. That’s all it took, my mind blanked. I pushed myself to conjure the words I wanted to say, the ones I’d spent the full two hours rehearsing as I got myself ready that morning, the ones I’d repeated all during class as I watched the time pass by. But I couldn’t seem to find them. The clock on the wall ticked and a vacuum clicked on in another room whirring a rhythm that told me someone was pushing it back and forth across the carpet. I narrowed my eyes willing him to look at me again, but he wouldn’t do it. He was too busy scanning the room and fidgeting with his papers. “Why won’t you look at me?” I urged with my thoughts; telepathy had never been a talent of mine. I was beyond nervous at that point. I had never told a boy, let alone a man, how I felt before. I was either too busy with school, too nervous, or too late. I knew I had to stop beating around the bush, I had to stop hiding behind them too. I went for it.

“I want you.”, I blurted, and my eyes widened as I realized what I’d said. That did not come out how I wanted it to! My mistake was made even more evident by the look of horror on his face. Aw, man. I screwed up again, I thought as he jumped out of his chair and immediately backed away. He put at least five feet between us. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up”, his wild eyes were on me again as he held his hands out in a stop-like motion. 

Did he think I was going to attack him or something? Well, that is rude! I took a step towards him, and he backed further away, and I gasped in offense. It wasn’t like I had the plague!

 “What’s wrong?” I questioned him, confused by his actions. But he didn’t respond, instead he reached forward and snatched his phone from the desk quickly backing away even further than he was before while he furiously slid his thumb back and forth across the phone’s screen. I was utterly confused by then. But I didn’t have to wonder for long what he was up to because the fog of confusion lifted when a faint female voice sounded from his phone. 

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency”, the female voice questioned.

 “This is Professor Mike Lipton” he replied as he looked around the room before continuing,” I need an officer at Princeton University. McCosh Hall. Room 62. I have a stalker and she has me cornered in my classroom. Please hurry.” His voice rushed out and was a bit higher than usual, it almost sounded like he was a completely different person. This was not the calm and suave man that I spent all year listening to. His eyes, those beautiful ones that had avoided me before, were now scanning me from head to toe, they were filled with… fear? I watched them dart back and forth from my face to my hands, then to my face again, then over to the door behind me. It was like watching a tennis match with only one player. 

I decided to question him again, but he still refused to answer. What the heck?! I kept trying, but with no luck. Finally, on the fifth time, I couldn’t take the silent treatment anymore and I lost my cool. 

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?” 

Welp, that did it. I finally had his attention. As I look back on it now, I realize that yelling probably only made things worse. But I was pissed, extremely pissed, as well as confused, and I was pretty hurt too. Those were not good feelings to mix together. I was a ticking time bomb. I couldn’t help how I acted after that. I stepped towards him again and he retreated. We repeated this deranged dance over and over until he was backed against the opposite wall. I finally stopped.

“Are you seriously not going to answer me?” I asked and when he didn’t respond I gritted and fisted my hands. “FINE,” I got closer to him and screamed in his face.

I turned to leave but didn’t get very far. My body had slammed into a six-foot-tall solid blue wall. It was a Princeton Police Officer. He grabbed me by my wrists, spun me around, and cuffed me before I realized what he’d done. The metallic click of the cuffs closing around my wrists echoed through the room.

 “HEY!” I yelled and pulled against the restraints. At that point I’d become a feral beast, my once-smooth ponytail was now frizzed and knotted with chunks of hair coming out the sides and probably sticking up like a madwoman. My mascara had run down my cheeks in black rivers. I was done with this. Someone was going to give me some answers!

 “WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Another officer arrived and grabbed me by the elbow and hurried me out the door. My heart jackhammered against my ribcage, and I was short of breath. It was like I’d run an 8-mile marathon. I’d gotten myself so worked up that waterfalls of sweat poured down my back, soaking my once pristine shirt. I was losing my shit. What the hell was so wrong with wanting to have lunch with a man I had a crush on? Someone obviously thought something was wrong with it because here I was being dragged by my arm across campus like a madwoman over to a police car that was parked in the middle of the parking lot. Thankfully there weren’t too many bystanders, except for a couple who were holding hands walking down the sidewalk. They stopped and watched. But I didn’t pay them much attention because my focus shifted to the breeze I felt on my chest. I looked down to find my blouse was torn. Great! Now I’d have to replace one of my favorite shirts! The cop yanked the door open and shoved me into it. He barely gave me enough time to get my foot inside before he slammed it shut. He looked through the window and narrowed his eyes at me, then he shook his head and walked back inside the building, leaving me all alone with my thoughts. 

I must have sulked the entire ten or twenty minutes I was sitting there. Maybe it was only one minute – I couldn’t tell. It sure felt like forever. The whole time I sat there my emotions bounced from angry, to sad, to bewildered, then back to angry again. I shouldn’t be in this position! My tears had started again when I suddenly realized the first cop had come back and was standing outside my door watching me with intent. How long had he been standing there? For a minute, I thought he was going to let me out, then reached to his shoulder to grab his black radio and spoke something into it. I watched his lips move, but I couldn’t tell what was being said. He spoke to someone on the other end of his radio, then took his notepad out and jotted something down. Then after a few minutes more passed by, he finally hooked his radio it back on his shoulder and opened my door.

“Ma’am, would you like to tell me what happened?”, he asked as he held the door open with one hand. His body hovered in the doorway blocking it. His size and expression reminded me of Goliath trying to intimidate David. His tone was also stern, like the one my mother used when she’d scold me as a kid. Feelings of inadequacy rushed back, and I shrank into the seat behind me feeling ten years old all over again.

I looked at my lap and shook my head. This couldn’t be happening, I thought as I exhaled. I finally answered him, but my voice was a bit sharp and whiny as I spoke, “What do you mean what happened… nothing happened!” I rolled my eyes and stomped my foot like a petulant child. The officer didn’t seem impressed. What! I was furious, and this wasn’t fair! I was somehow getting into trouble for God knows what. I did not deserve this!

 “Ma’am, that’s not what the Professor told us. Why were you in the room with him alone?”, his tone turned serious as he continued with his questions, “The Professor has informed us that you have been stalking him for weeks now, leaving food in his office, notes on his car, and even following him around town. He also mentioned something about an altercation at a coffee shop recently. Do you have anything to say about these allegations, Miss Campbell?”.

I bounced my head against the back of my seat and winced when my temple began to throb. I didn’t know how to respond to the officer. The way he listed my actions off kind of put things into perspective for me. I could see how this might look bad on my part, but had I really just stalked my professor? When had I crossed the line from crush to obsessed? I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment, but I had to admit it was definitely stalkerish behavior. Leaning forward I hung my head over my lap in shame. I wished I could cover my face with my hands, but they were still fastened behind me. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die. I had just terrified an amazing man for weeks without knowing it. Now I was probably going to get in trouble with the law, which meant I would also probably be in trouble with the University as well! This fiasco could cost me my degree! What did you do Ashley? You are such an idiot! I mentally berated myself while wondering how this could have all been in my head. The winks and smiles he gave me, and the notes he wrote, maybe those secret messages all just wishful thinking on my part? I took a deep breath and looked up at the officer. Our eyes met and I think he saw what I was feeling inside because his posture relaxed a bit. I was ready to admit defeat and face the blowback.

“Officer,” my tone this time was soft and humbled, nothing like the childish behavior I’d previously displayed.  

“Ma’am”, he replied with a dip of his chin. He said nothing else as he patiently waited for me to continue. 

“You are right. I did it. I stalked my professor, and I am sorry I did it. I didn’t realize what I was doing, I promise! What you said all makes sense now. I see how wrong I was.” My eyes stung like I was going to cry again, although I don’t know how that was even possible from all the tears I had shed just a few minutes ago when I was alone. I looked down at my lap for a moment, and when I looked back up, it was through wet lashes, then a single tear dripped down my cheek. As his eyes scanned my face, he seemed to realize something. His expression softened and tiny crinkles formed around the corners of his eyes before a gently smile spread across his face. The tenseness in my shoulders relaxed a little when he asked me to stand up and turn around so he could take the cuffs off.  I did as he asked and with a click, they were off, then I stood there rubbing my aching wrists in relief. When I turned back towards him, I noticed his name tag on his chest pocket said Younie. Hmmm. That’s an interesting name. I was curious about his first name, I wondered what it might be. He looked like he could be a Christopher or maybe a Matthew. I didn’t have time to ask, he shut the door and smiled, then told me to “stay here”. He then winked at me and walked back inside the building, leaving me out here alone, yet again.

I stood out there obeying his order with my brain buzzing and pounding from the adrenaline crash I was starting to feel. Eventually I gave up standing and sat down on the curb. The exhaustion was setting in. It had been a long morning, and as I went over the events of what happened in my head, I was convinced I was going to lose my scholarship. I’d probably wind up working for cousin Lou Lou’s dry-cleaning, or as a waitress for my best friend’s Aunt Marta at their family restaurant. That thought made me furious, and I rubbed my eyes with resignation. The piper must be paid. 

The door of the school flew open and startled me causing me to almost fall off the curb I was sitting on. Prof. Mike was standing there looking right at me. I held my breath. He was about to speak, but my emotions were high, and I couldn’t think straight after everything that had just happened. I interrupted him before he could start and the words rushed out in one long sentence, “P-Professor Mike I’m so sorry I didn’t realize what I was d-doing I won’t ever bother you again I promise.” I quickly crossed my fingers over my heart and plead with my eyes.

He sighed and held out his hand and I didn’t know what to do so I looked over at Officer Younie who had just walked up behind him. Officer Younie nodded back and smiled back at me. I took the hand Prof. Mike was offering and he helped me to my feet. As he did, he spoke to me in a soothing voice, “Thank you, Ashley, for being honest. I forgive you. Please, make sure this never happens again. You won’t be so lucky next time.” When he let go of my hand an emptiness filled my heart and  I watched with sadness as he walked away and crossed the parking lot to where his red mustang was parked. He then got in his car, shut the door, and drove off taking part of my battered heart with him.

I snapped out of my moment of misery when someone said something behind me. I didn’t quite hear what was said, so I turned and saw Officer Younie standing there watching me with his dark blue eyes… eyes that I just now noticed were like the sea on a stormy night. I loved the sea.

“You are free to go Miss Campbell.”, he said with a boyish smile as he handed me my purse that I had left on the ground when I stood up. Such a gentleman, I thought, and I thanked him returning his smile with a shy smile of my own.

I chewed on my lip as butterflies filled my stomach. Then I watched as both officers walked over to their car and got in. I stood on the side of the rode and Officer Younie waved at me as they drove by. Then I watched their brake lights glow as their vehicle stopped at the stop sign to exit the parking lot, they turned and took off down the road and left me all alone in the parking lot, again. I sighed and slouched my shoulders. Boy did I have a lot to think about. I headed back to my dorm room for some ice cream that I felt I thoroughly deserved because today had been one heck of a last day. On my way back to my room a thought popped into my head, I wonder if Officer Younie is married? I doubted it because I didn’t see a ring on his finger… but I might just have to stop by the station later with a plate of my special triple fudge brownies to find out. He definitely looked like a chocolate loving kind of guy.